Life in 2011

Okay, so I’m an awful blogger. I tend to write only when I’m upset. I really should learn to chronicle the good times, and not just the bad ones. So 2011 started off pretty crappy. My uncle passed away on New Year’s Day. It’s not so much that I was close to him. I just felt such sorrow for my grandmother at losing her oldest child. It was hard for me to see her in such an emotional state. But my uncle was very sick with cancer, and I know he is in a better place. New Year’s day also started off with my toilet overflowing ALL over the bathroom and out into the alcove area. So the carpet in that area had to be pulled up, and I had to throw out a lot of towels. I just couldn’t stomach keeping them, even if I did wash them in hot water! I had a little problem with my unemployment as well, and thought that I was going to be cut off because I had subbed for a whole 5 days in December. Thankfully that problem was resolved.

I’ve been unemployed for 20 months now. I have applied for at least 75-100 jobs in the last several months. Everything is online now, so I don’t even get to talk to a person. As a certified teacher, I know the likelihood of me finding a job in the next few years is slim. The economy is terrible, and there are massive cuts being made in education with more to come. Most people say “I thought there was a shortage of teachers.” Not in my area (elementary) and definitely not in NY. Now with the cuts, it’s that much worse. So I apply for secretarial jobs, customer service jobs, etc. I am kind of limited as far as what I can do. I have no family in the area, and no real support system. Therefore I can really only work Monday-Friday, “normal” work hours. My ex is not much help when it comes to babysitting. The biggest problem, though, is the fact that I’m overqualified for most of what I apply for. People look at my resume and assume that I will leave as soon as something better comes along. Which isn’t necessarily an invalid assumption. But teaching is going to be hard to get back into for at least a few years, and that’s if the economy rebounds. I really just want to put in my cover letter “Hi, I’m a single mom and I need a full time job. I promise I won’t leave in 3 or 4 months.” Sometimes I feel like being a single mom inhibits me, because they assume I will miss work a lot. Thankfully I have extremely healthy children, and have missed very little work due to them being ill. So, for now, I just pray each night that God will provide a job for me before my unemployment runs out in the next 2-3 months.

The ex and I are getting along these days. I’m still not “allowed” to have her cell phone number, so I will usually call at work if I need something. Her gf hasn’t contacted me in a couple months, and that is probably why we are getting along. I’m just happy that my life is relatively drama free, and I’m enjoying the peace.

The kids are doing well for the most part. My daughter (LP) has adjusted very well to school. She is a bit social, but seems to enjoy school. My son is still having problems with doing homework and it’s affecting his grades terribly. I’m trying to keep on top of him, but it’s so frustrating, because this problem only developed in the last 2 yrs. He is very smart, and his teachers love him, but he can’t get himself together.

There is much more I could write, but I will save it for a future post. Hopefully I can try and be more assertive in putting thoughts down in my blog. And here’s to hoping that 2011 gets better fast!

Two Years…

The first post on this blog was a year ago. It talked about the demise of my 10 year relationship, and how sad and lost I still felt. Today is now 2 years that we have been apart. I’m happy to say that I am in a much better place emotionally than I was a year ago. It took me much longer to move on than I ever expected. It took about another 4 to 6 months to really get over the hurt. I still have lingering effects from everything that happened during the first year of our breakup. I have major trust issues. My self-esteem took quite a blow. I’m not sure I am ever going to be able to love whole heartedly again. But I am so happy that the tears have stopped. I am happy that the pangs in my heart have stopped when I see her. I’m grateful to feel somewhat “normal” again.

I hope one day soon to meet someone that can remind me of how a relationship is supposed to be. Someone I can trust with my heart, and with my kids. For now, my kids are my life, and I’m doing my best to make sure I can give them all of me. For too long, I sleepwalked through life, barely making it day to day. Now I’m ready to live again.

As for my ex, today (Halloween) is her 1 yr wedding anniversary. It doesn’t bother me as much as it has in the past. Her and I still don’t get along, and mostly that is because of her “wife” and the short leash she keeps her on. We are still parents to our little princess, but the friendship we once had is gone.

I’m going to try and be a better blogger. I tend to only write when I am upset about something. I need to learn to celebrate the good in life, instead of give myself over to just the negative. I’m so thankful for my kids and a few wonderful friends. May the next year bring happiness so that one day I won’t even remember this day as anything other than Halloween.

I am…

I got this from a blog I read, 
A Single Mama’s Life , and thought I would write my own.

I am strong.

I wonder if my children will grow to be strong too.
I hear the silence as they sleep
I see the days go by both quickly and slowly
I want their childhood to be happy.

I am strong.

I pretend I am okay so that my children don’t see the pain.
I feel like I am doing the best job I can for them.
I touch their faces and remember why I wake each day.
I worry that I will fail them.
I ask myself why all these difficult things keep happening.

I am strong.

I understand that love is the greatest gift I can give my kids.
I believe that my children know how much I love them.
I dream that one day I will find true happiness and love.
I trust that I will always find a way to make things work.
I hope that my strength will last.

I am strong.

Learning from the past?

So, about two weeks ago I had a small breakdown. This is the first time it has happened since around the 1 year anniversary of the breakup. The ex, as previously mentioned, has been very friendly. It seems like whenever she calls to talk about our daughter, we end up in an actual conversation. I knew she was going to Disney with the new girlfriend. She knew better than to ask to take LP because it’s important to me that I be able to take her. I was already upset because when she and I were together, she never wanted to go ANYWHERE. So she tells me how she tried to rent Cinderella’s castle for the new gf. For some reason it just rubbed me wrong. EE and I went on one vacation in 10 years. Back in 2005, she won a free trip to Hawaii from her job. So we went to Hawaii for 5 days. It was gorgeous. However, she didn’t even want to go. She wanted to take the money instead. The only other “vacation” we went on was a weekend getaway to Lancaster, PA. She was just a homebody, and said that if we took the kids with us, it wasn’t a real vacation. So listening to her talk about trying to get the castle, etc. just put me back in a bad place. I felt myself start to break down. I told her I had to go. She heard the upset in my voice. She asked why I was crying, and I tried to explain to her. She said “well she has different interests than you” blah blah. I said “I asked you lots of times to go on a vacation and you always said no.”  I ended up telling her that it was still hard, and hearing how she does all these things she never did just upsets me. For the next two days I was in a major funk…crying a lot, hurting just like I had in the beginning.

So she just got back yesterday from this trip. Today, I happen to run into her in the grocery store (something else she never did with me, but does with the new gf). LP stayed with her and they brought her home on the way back from shopping. She then drops this bombshell on me: “So listen, would you have a big problem with me taking her on a cruise next year?” I told her I didn’t know and asked where. She said maybe the Bahamas!  I just felt a knife in my chest. First of all, I’m a single mom struggling to make ends meet, and she is taking vacations. Secondly, when her ex husband wanted to take her kids on a cruise, she said no way were they going out of the country! I mentioned that to her and her response was “Well he’s an asshole”. I really wanted to tell her I felt the same about her. I guess she is taking her children as well (she has 2 girls and the gf has a girl, all teens). I told her I wasn’t sure. She said she wanted to buy tickets soon. All I could think was “it must be nice to have money.”

I know they say we all learn from past relationships. But it hurts so much to see her doing all these things with the new gf that she would never do with me: travel, grocery shop, go to NYC (she hated the city). Plus the gf quit her job and stays home all day, trying to start up some business planning parties. If I had asked to just stay home and try some business she would have told me I was crazy. She would have said we didn’t have the money for me to stay home and put money into something that may or may not work out. Did she learn from what she did “wrong” with me? Or is it because the new gf is a much stronger personality, and supposedly has some money? And when will I stop letting stuff bother me? Maybe if I had a job and could afford to take my kids places, I would feel so bitter. A year and 5 months later and I still feel like I will never completely move on. This sucks!

Some funny 4 yr old Conversations

I thought I would share something a little more lighthearted than my previous posts. Here are a few funny things my daughter, the Little Princess, has said lately.

Funny #1

(looking at my Verizon phone)

LP: Mommy, what is this letter?

Me: It’s a “V”

LP: Does that mean it comes from Wal-Mart?  (obviously she needs to work on letters!LOL)

Funny #2

LP lifts up her shirt, and grabs my hand.

Me: What?

LP: I want you to rub my back.

Me: You’re spoiled!

LP: Uh huh!  (at least she knows it!)

Funny #3:

LP: Mommies live far, far away!

Me: No they don’t. I’m your mommy and I live with you.

LP: No…the mommies with the tape on them!

Me: Ohhhh MUMMIES! lol  (she had been looking at my friend’s book on Egyptology!)

More to come I’m sure! lol

Turning a Corner?

So if you’ve read my sporadic posts you have figured out that my ex and I don’t get along well. But suddenly, about a week ago there was a complete turnaround. She spoke civilly to me, asked to make sure that LP didn’t need anything, and even called again later to make sure that I didn’t need money right away (she had forgotten the child support check).  I was just shocked. Then, yesterday, she called to let me know she had to work this weekend and couldn’t take LP. We even had a nice conversation. While I’m happy not to have this underlying hostility, I have to admit I’m both suspicious and skeptical. She has been so nasty to me for the last few months that it seems odd for her to have a complete turnaround for no apparent reason. My BFF says that maybe she is finally moving on and content. While I hope that is true, it’s bittersweet. Talking to my ex was hard when she was being so nice. I miss that person. She was my best friend for 10 years. One day maybe we can be friends again. For now I will try to enjoy this apparent truce.

New Year, Same Life

I never finished the post about my Thanksgiving trip. Was nothing major anyways. The holidays were depressing. Thank goodness for friends and family. My kids had a very nice Christmas in a large part to their generosity. My son went to Georgia to visit his dad the week after Christmas. The Evil Ex (hereby known as EE) actually kept my daughter the whole weekend after Christmas. It was nice to actually have a bit of time alone.

New Year’s Eve, EE was supposed to take my daughter again, but bailed due to supposed illness. I ended up hanging out with the guy I had been seeing and watching “The Hangover”.  My little one decided not to go to sleep, so  I ended up driving home with her about 1:30. As a side note, I am not seeing him anymore. The guy is seriously obsessive about his son. I think it’s great to be a good dad, and spend time with your kids. But he is in serious need of therapy. He can’t have a conversation about anything other than his ex, his son, or the weather. I just think there were too many parenting differences, and he didn’t seem willing to address anything that I brought up. I’m not heartbroken over it.

The EE and I have gone back and forth again over our daughter. The other night, EE called me. My daughter was spending the night, and was in hysterics wanting to come home. Basically, it was bedtime and the LP (little Princess) didn’t want to go to bed. On top of that EE refused to give her anything to drink. LP is still not night trained, so EE controls what she drinks. If EE had just given her a little bit of water, she probably would have calmed down. Instead, EE calls me and says “Come pick up the monster you’ve created,” and proceeds to call me names and tell me how I need her on a better schedule, that she shouldn’t sleep as long as she does, etc. Of course, it’s always my fault. I tell her I’m not coming to her house. She says to LP “Sorry you’re mommy is too BUSY to come get you”. This was after she asked if I was too busy spreading my legs to come pick her up. She hung up, but called back 10 min. later. I tried to calm LP down, but she kept saying she wanted to come home. I told EE to just meet me at the end of the road. She brought her back, acting all nasty, saying how they had to wash her coat because it’s always filthy (completely untrue) and how she is always dirty. Now, this was the first time I had seen EE in 2 months, because she always sends her mother to pick up and drop off. (See the Karma post below for why). I was literally cold and shaking inside at having to deal with her. Meanwhile, LP was so happy to be coming home. I asked EE for my check. She told me to take her to court for it, because I was good at that.

I took LP home, gave her a drink of water, made her go potty, and put her to bed. She was asleep 15 min later. Before she went to sleep though, I did find out she sleeps on an air mattress when she visits EE. My daughter’s room was given to the gf’s daughter, and now my daughter doesn’t even have a bed to call her own. I was so pissed. A few email exchanges later, EE says once again that she is just not going to see LP any more.  This is about the 3rd time in 3 months she has threatened this. I’m so over it. I have cried and begged her not to do this to our daughter. But all she can see is her hatred for me, and the fact that she wanted to be with my best friend, and isn’t. She blames me, and my daughter is the one who suffers. I have decided that I will no longer beg her to be a parent. My daughter will be better off with just one parent who loves and adores her, rather than dealing with an on again/off again parent who may or may not treat her kindly.

If she truly doesn’t see her over the next month, I will go to family court and file for sole custody. It will be hard dealing with my LP’s pain. But I have to believe that in the end, it will be best for her. I just want my life to move forward. I’m tired of being stuck in this rut.

A trip home

I went to see my family for Thanksgiving last week. I was excited because I was going to go out with my cousin. I never get to go out. I’m not much of a bar kind of gal, but it’s nice to go out and have fun, you know? We had gone out when I visited home this past summer, and I was going through a rough time. So I couldn’t wait to get out again with a group of girls and just relax. I also was looking forward to seeing my Grandma. She is 81, and I always worry that this will be the last time I see her. She is in good health for her age. But it’s only natural to worry when you get to be her age.

We got to Ohio on Wednesday, a little later than I wanted, but I ended up having to spend $400 on my car to get a new belt and 2 new tires. I need all new tires, but couldn’t afford all 4 right now. We went to see my mom and Gram for a while. I got dressed and did my hair and makeup there. I then loaded the kids up and went to my aunt’s. She was keeping the kids overnight for us.  It was my younger cousin’s 21st birthday, so we picked her up and then picked up my cousin’s other cousins, and went to a local bar. Now, my cousin is not someone I like to stand next to when we are out. LOL  I am 5’3, overweight, not bad looking, but put me next to Hil, and I fade into the background. My cousin is 5’8 and 135 lbs, with a personality to boot. She can’t go 5 ft. without getting hit on. The band at the bar was good, and watching this one guy hit on Hil was hysterical! After a shot and one drink, we went across the street to the bar my cousin used to work at. I was excited, because over the summer, I had met a “regular” that my cousin knew well. He was my first ever  one night stand, so to speak. I was in a really bad place when I went home over the summer, and here was this smart, nice looking guy hitting on me. My cousin vouched for him, and I spent the night with him. There was no actual intercourse, but other things happened. Anyways, we went into the bar, and I spotted him right away. I went over and said hi..thank God he remembered me, or  would have been totally embarassed. Did I mention I also sought him out because I was broke and knew he would buy me drinks? We sat and talked. He apologized for the summer, saying he felt horrible because he normally didn’t do one night stands. My cousin and the entourage left within 2o min. I would find out later that some drama occurred. I stayed and chatted with Bob. He walked across the street with me to find Hil and them a while later. They were going home, so I had to go to since they were my ride. I hugged Bob goodbye and went to crash.

The next day was Thanksgiving. My mom wasn’t having dinner until 5, so my aunt asked if I wanted to come to her brother’s house. They were having appetizers and such. So we went there, and ended up eating the full meal. Around 3:30 I went to my mom’s. I made the sweet potatoes with brown sugar and marshmallows, and we ate. I was so stuffed but I managed to eat enough so that my mom didn’t get mad. The kids didn’t really eat, but they wouldn’t have anyways, even if they hadn’t had food at the other house.  I was exhausted. I wanted to do a little Black Friday shopping, but I ended up staying awake till 12:30 texting with the new guy I went out with. I guess I should give him a name..lol. We will just call him PBF for “potential boyfriend”..haha.

I finally went out shopping around 10:30 that next morning. I got some good deals at Kohl’s, but not much else. Spent the rest of the day lazing around, and then spent some time at my mom’s.

On Saturday, we went to Public Square in downtown Cleveland to participate in Winterfest. They had various activities going on. We got to go on a carriage ride around the downtown area. Then we went to see Santa at the Arcade, and took pictures in his 1800′s antique sleigh. Then we went and picked up my mom and visited the house from “A Christmas Story”. That was the highlight of the day! It’s my absolute favorite Christmas movie. We toured the house which has been restored to look just as it did in the movie. We also went through the museum where there were many props and costumes from the movie. We even met a cast member: the mean elf from the Santa scene!

Well this post has gotten long, so I will finish it up another day..there is more to come!

Learning to Trust

I used to be the kind of girl who wore her heart on her sleeve. I was an eternal romantic. I tended to fall fast and hard when I met someone special. Then, a year ago, my entire outlook was changed. I was with the person that I thought was my soulmate. This was a person that had promised to love me forever, and said she would never survive without me. Instead, I was replaced quickly, and without remorse while she barely batted an eye.

At first, I jumped right in the dating sites. I figured the best way to get over her was to find someone else. Instead, I spent the next year entangled in a battle with my ex, going back and forth with loving and hating her. I had a few dates. One I even really liked, but he was scared off by my having been with a woman. The other two were nothing special.  Finally, 2 weeks ago, I hit the point that I said “enough is enough”. I decided I had let my ex keep me from happiness long enough. I had placed a personal a few days before and had half heartedly responded to people who contacted me. After finally stepping up and saying “no more”, there were a couple of guys I emailed back and forth with regularly. We started texting as well. Last weekend, I took the little one to a movie, and met up with one of the guys I had been emailing. He has a 5 year old, and I figured the little one wouldn’t really be aware of the situation, so took a chance. He was cuter in person than the pictures. We had a nice time talking and being with the kids. I found myself smiling through the week as we texted, and he called a few times as well. But that doubting side of me kept rearing up. This guy is so sweet, and funny. It’s hard to believe he is for real. But I know that’s the hurt side of me trying to protect myself. My friend tells me to stop worrying, and try to be happy. But the truth is I’m afraid. It’s hard to trust. He has only been divorced a short time and I worry about the rebound factor. He also seems a bit too good to be true. He spends a lot of time with his son, which is fantastic. But today, we had an actual date, sans kids, and it made it really hard for me to keep my guard up.

First, he brought me a dozen roses and a box of chocolate truffles. I had no idea where we were going, because he wouldn’t tell me. I have never been on a date where it was a surprise. So we drive and talk for a while, because he says we were a bit early for our destination. Finally, we arrive, and he has taken me to a SPA! He arranged for us to have massages. At first I was really worried. I didn’t want to lay half naked in a room with this guy. But we got them separately, albeit at the same time. It was phenomenal! It was so quiet and relaxing. Oh, I forgot to mention, when we pulled into the parking lot, he leaned over and kissed me. It was just a chaste, sweet kiss. Kind of nice, though unexpected. When we finished the massages, we went to lunch at a steakhouse. There wasn’t much awkward silence, and we both seemed comfortable with each other. 

We went back to my house and sat outside for a bit chatting. He wasn’t able to stay long because he was going to pick up his son to spend time with him for a little while. Before he left, he kissed me a few times..still sweet, not too pushy. He told me what a nice time he had, and I said the same. It was nice having someone open doors for me, even the car door. When he left,  I found myself smiling goofily. I’m afraid still to let my guard down. But he seems so sweet and sincere, it’s hard not to. He has already invited me to his company christmas party next month. I’m really excited to go. I’m not sure when I will see him since I have my kids 99% of the time, and he has his son quite often. But I am looking forward to it already. I just hope that I can learn to trust again, and be happy.

Witnessing Karma

So, without having time to go into all the Jerry Springer-like details, I will give the short version. My ex dated my best friend briefly, after using lies to split the two of us apart (me and BFF). After they broke up, she moved in this new woman, who she married last weekend. Okay..so up until the best friend, hereby known as BFF, got a new phone, my ex would still text her and occasionally call her. Most of the time BFF would ignore the texts and calls. Well in the beginning of Sept. the ex “accidentally” texted something to BFF. BFF responds “I don’t think that was meant for me”. Ex says “Oh sorry…well what if it was?” Well, the text was a sexual kind of text. BFF says “Why would you be asking to sleep with me when you have someone at home?” The ex replied “cause you’re awesome”. Well BFF (who had since profusely apologized to me) showed me this. I never mentioned it to the new GF, but I did bring it up to the ex.

Okay, so Ex and I got into a text argument about 2 weeks ago. I passed a comment about her wanting to sleep with someone else even though she was supposedly sooo happy.  Well sometime during the text fight, the new GF takes the phone and starts arguing with me, even going so far as to threaten to shoot me. Did I mention she is ghetto trash?? So anyway, she evidently looked at the previous texts and asked me “Who was she wanting to sleep with last month?” My response was “Ask her, I’m sure she will lie.”  Okay, so after this fight, the ex started ranting and raving about how she didn’t want to deal with me, and wasn’t going to see our daughter anymore. She also complained that I tried to tell her GF that she wasn’t in love with her, etc. So I wrote her a letter, asking her to think about things, not to take this out on our daughter. In that letter there was also one line that said “I never tried to interfere in your relationship with GF. If I had, I would have told her that you maintained regular contact with BFF until recently.”

Well, Ex took our daughter for a few hours on Thursday. As usual, she met me at the local police station, and GF was with her. As I was taking my daughter to the car, GF says “When you get the baby in the car, can I ask you a question?” I just sighed because I thought this was going to be about the wedding, and the text argument. She evidently thought I rolled my eyes, because I heard her telling Ex that if I rolled my eyes one more time, that was gonna be it. Then I heard her say to ex “This little game will end tonight.”

I get the little one in the car and I walk over to her. She says “I got a chance to read the letter you sent to Ex.” For a moment I was confused. So then she mentioned the letter where I was asking Ex not to take things out on our daughter. She then throws me for a loop.  She says “So Ex has been in contact with BFF?” I said “Yes, until she got a new phone a couple weeks ago.” So then she says “So this whole time she has been with me she has been contacting her?” I nodded. Then she says “And that’s who she was wanting to sleep with that you mentioned in the text?” I nodded again. She looks at Ex, and says “Ok, see ya,” and walks off!! I stood there shocked! I looked at Ex, and I said “What’s going on?” Ex replies “Just what you always wanted.” I told her “no, it’s not, I just want you to be happy.” She was like “Whatever.” I got in my car and sat there for a few min. I laughed to myself, but also felt bad. Now, I know I shouldn’t feel bad at all. This woman has done more to tear me apart in the last year than I have time to go into here. Also, I didn’t go to the GF with any of this. Evidently she was either allowed to read the letter, or she snooped. She came to ME. In hindsight, I probably should have said “I’m not getting in the middle of this.” But I was taken off guard.My only concern now is if she will go back to not seeing my daughter. I have texted her a couple of times since Thursday in reference to our child, most recently today to let her know our daughter was sick. I have not received any response from her at all. 

I don’t know what happened after I left the parking lot, other than Ex followed GF in her truck to try and get her back inside. I don’t expect that GF really walked out on her, especially after the big “show” last weekend. However, as I sat there, all I could think was “Wow, Karma is a bitch, and at least I got to see it in action.”